I realized recently that it has been quite some time since I have managed to settle down in front of a computer and just type away to my hearts content, to ramble away until the sun is beckoning for me to sleep like the vampire that I regularly become. At first it was a matter of losing my dear laptop. A devastating problem that still exists and may one day be remedied if I ever properly prioritize reacquiring a computer of some sort. Since then it has changed to being a matter of not knowing how to begin, where to start, what to say to get those little thoughts in my head rolling. That's the problem that has plagued me since my computer access has grown from nonexistent to while I whittle away at the late night hours for work multiple days a week. What a terrible problem.
The thing is I'm not even sure if I could in all conscious say that it's because I don't know how to get things started. There are several, many, a plethora of beginnings to draw from, choose from, to decide between. Knowing that, accepting that means that I am aware that my drive is fairly low for things that I pretend to be passionate about. Well, okay, that's not completely true either as I do scribble out rambles in my notebooks, on my arms, on tiny scraps of paper... They just don't all make it out into the lime light, they don't all get on stage for the amusement of a nonexistent crowd. Most days I am convinced this is better for all parties involved as angst isn't entirely exciting. Angst is the wrong word, it's overused, it devours all the categories similar to it... That's a different story, a different ramble I think, I believe, I'll make it so.
What I mean is that I don't think everyone needs to know every thought that scampers, runs, tumbles its way through my hyperactive mind, my dull mind, my confused mind. I have notes about how I've met some people, of what I thought during those early days of blooming friendships, rough days at work, little things, meaningless things to people that aren't me. Then there are the funny things like my list of things I like in boys titled why I'll die a crazy cat lady. Which I feel should be posted sometime, maybe even tonight, tomorrow... However days work, they're kind of quite terribly confusing. But yes, you see, the mix isn't for all, it's not even for me... Ugh, that's all broken and I don't even want to fix it anymore.
Anyway, back to the beginning, to what I wanted to say some time ago... Minutes ago, seconds ago, this time business is still quite convoluted. This discovery of a lack of a proper ramble in months. The last one was almost exactly a year ago to give other people an idea of what I mean by months. Thus this post of ups and downs of twists and turns was born, was created, was dumped into the ether with only a bit of thought behind things being said, being typed, being declared.
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